Growing in Sexual Intimacy


Sex is a Barometer. Often when your spouse is closed sexually, it is an indicator that something is not quite right. Don’t accept this as the normal state of your married life. Ask yourself, what are they hurt about?  Are we spending adequate exclusive time together? Are we getting into a rut?  Is there unforgiveness?  Don’t attack them, rather minister to them.

Men and Women are Different. It is important to educate ourselves and discuss these differences with empathy. Empathy is: understanding someone else’s experience from their frame of reference. Can you answer the question “What turns my spouse on?”

Love Gives, Lust Gets. Focus on blessing your spouse in this area. When their emotional bank account is full of your love you will find them becoming the best version of themselves. Don’t place demands on your spouse whilst not being willing to fill their love tank.  Love focuses on giving.  Lust focuses on getting. Sex in the context of marriage is a safe place where intimacy is built and love is expressed.  No one should be forced to do things they are not comfortable with and the dignity of both should be preserved.

Sex begins in the kitchen. Intercourse is the fulfilment of an entire process. Many men complain about their wives not wanting to be intimate with them but it’s important for us men to ask the question “what can I do differently to make myself irresistible to my wife?”

Sex must be guarded from its thieves. What stops you and your spouse from being intimate? Common ones are kids, work, routine, exhaustion, different sleep patterns (night owl VS early bird). It’s important to fight for your time together. If you are not intentional about it, the thieves will devour the times of intimacy.

Pillow talk.  Sex has a verbal aspect which can have a negative or positive impact.   Communicate appreciation for what they say. How do you feel if your spouse says something fairly administrative straight after you have been intimate?  Help your spouse to know that you enjoy them! 

Be romantic. Many couples are not romantic because they don’t feel competent in this department. If you don’t see yourself as a romantic you tend to not even bother trying. Don’t make your spouse have to guess what you prefer.  Rather, tell them.  Ladies remember that there is a book called ‘Men Read Newspapers not Minds’ .  Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt and tell them what you would like.

Get out of the rut. Think of different environments for romance; different ways of initiating; different times etc. Don’t become too predictable. It’s important to keep adapting to each other’s changing needs.

Get healed. The best gift you can give our spouse is your own personal wholeness.  If you have guilt, fear, or shame in this area it’s important that you do not project them onto your spouse.  Remember, you are a gift to your spouse, make sure you are delivered on time and well wrapped.

Self-confidence. Have conversations that make your spouse feel more confident with their sexuality.  Confidence is critical in sex, and you can do a lot to boost your spouse’s confidence in this area. Don’t underestimate the fragile nature of the masculine ego or the power of telling your wife that she is beautiful and desirable to you in those intimate moments. Speak to the treasure in each other and you will see more of this treasure manifesting in your relationship.